Transformers:
Revenge of the Fallen Review By. Cameron Hallinan
Wow, that was BAD! I was shocked that I actually made it through this redundant abomination disguised as an enjoyable, summer blockbuster. Brought to you by brain-dead douchebag Michael Bay who was also responsible for the disaster that was Pearl Harbor (the movie, not the actual disaster). I am surprised to find that I am in a minority on this while my friends just egg me on to like it just because it has CGI and well, Megan Fox. When in actuality, they are saying: “Oh, come on; can’t you just enjoy a racist, sexist, and shallow two and a half hour toy commercial? Can’t you just have a good time?” Alright, I should probably just get into the movie before I can continue my ranting. One of the biggest problems that pops up right away is the fact that none of the transformers are distinct from one another so it is impossible tell who is who. That is excluding one notable exception which is additionally the worst example of racially insensitive characters since Jar-Jar Binks and they’re two transformers named Skids and Mudflap. They are always spewing stereotypical gangsta catchphrases and even have gold teeth. But what really killed it was when both of them said that neither of them could read which crossed the line from stereotypes to official bigotry. The prologue goes on to introduce the film’s central villain and portrays him destroying major tribe which provides as yet another instance of racial insensitivity. After that scene, we shift to Shia preparing to transfer off to college dealing with parents eating hash brownies and causing mayhem around campus. I’ve seen elementary school plays with more dignity and as if it weren’t bad enough already, we then cut to two dogs humping each other. Yeah, because everyone was begging for that scene, right? I can only imagine the exchange transpired like this:
Bay: I’ve got it! You know what this scene needs? Two dogs doing it!
Assistant: Uh, are you sure that’s a good idea?
Bay: Pah! What do you know? I’ve directed BOTH the Bad Boys movies! Have you? Huh? Huh...Yeah, that’s what I thought.
Seriously, who exactly is the target audience for these movies? They’re too stupid for adults and too obnoxious and crude for children. So I can only assume it is Bay’s typical demographic: male morons aged 11-18. We then cut to Shia going to college and…do I really have to describe it? These characters are so joyless and hateful that is near impossible to care what happens to them. I’m not saying you have to have likeable characters but they have to provide some kind of anchor in order for the audience to be invested in their fate. I’m just going to cut to the chase because nothing of any real relevance happens. Literally, the entire first hour is nothing but wretched attempts at humor; including a scene where John Turturro (a once credible actor) whips down his pants to reveal a thong (again, because everybody was demanding that scene). There’s about a 45-minute climax with robots fighting in the desert and then Shia goes to robot heaven…yeah, I don’t really care. Why couldn’t they just make a fun, dumb action movie? Why did they have to make it a spiteful, two and a half hour waste of time? The main transformers barely get twenty minutes of screen time so you can’t even consider it as their movie. I can honestly state this movie has no redeeming qualities whatsoever and may be the worst I have ever seen (and that’s saying a lot). Do yourself a favor and do whatever you can to avoid this HORRIBLE movie!